“I’m tired of being good. Now all I want is to be free.” –Elizabeth Gilbert
I will never forget the day that Mrs. Nelson spotlighted me in front of the whole class. I don’t remember much about first grade, but I remember this day. As a child I was invisibly quiet. So mousey in fact, some questioned if I even knew how to speak.
In school I was dutiful, always doing whatever the teacher asked of me. So good in fact, that one day Mrs. Nelson pointed it out to the entire class when they were misbehaving. She said, “Look at Tameka (my given name). She is so well behaved and does what she is supposed to do. I wish I had a class full of Tamekas!” I received a treat for being good, some kind of muffin.
This made me beam with pride as a first grader having my obedience recognized and my teacher to wish she had 29 more of me. Wow! While this comment was sweet to my 6 year-old ears, it became a setup. A setup for how I would live my life. I accepted the role of the “good girl” who always does what she is “supposed to do”.
When I did what others deemed worthy of acknowledgement, it brought me accolades, applause, and rewards. I began to live off of that praise, to find myself located in the spotlight of others. To crave and to need outside validation to know my worth. I had to do it “right” and to “get it right” and that rightness needed to be affirmed from an outsider…
I found liberation when I stopped giving a fuck about what other people thought and made myself my own authority.
Being a good girl has its rewards. People look up to you, they admire you, you stay out of trouble, and it is “safe”. But what happens when life causes you to make a choice that bucks outside authority?
What happens when you are called to go against the grain?
Many acquiesce and stuff their truth inside of them. They hide so they won’t upset the majority. They suffer in the concrete of silence. But as Buddha said, “Three things cannot be long hidden: the sun, the moon, and the truth.”
In June 2008, I stabbed my good girl in the heart. She needed to die. While I was thankful for her and all we had accomplished, it was time for that goody-two-shoes bitch to go…
My good girl had led me to shaking hands with former President Bill Clinton as a nationally recognized artist-scholar, to graduating with honors in Drama from New York University, and to my first marriage at age 24. It is in this marriage that the good girl and I began to fight.
As a good girl, prior to my marriage I hadn’t dated much, and in fact I was a virgin. I had been a good Christian girl who promised to save herself until someone put a ring on it. No longer a Bible thumper, I didn’t loose my virginity on my wedding night, but I married the only man I had ever been intimate with. The only man I had ever called my boyfriend.
Two years and one child later into this marriage, I found myself shrinking inside unhappiness. This wasn’t the man for me. It became clear to me that my ex and I were on two different paths. I wanted him to be someone who he was not, and also had no interest in being. He needed a woman that I was not, and had no interest in being.
Having no prior relationship experience, I didn’t know what I wanted until it became crystal clear what I did not want. While he was not a bad man, he was not the man for me. This was my inner truth, but I kept it hidden behind being a dutiful wife and mother.
Until I couldn’t. My unhappiness began to eat at me and my silence made me sick. During the last year in my marriage, I lost my voice multiple times due to sore throats and laryngitis. I also had stopped performing, something I used to love and had a degree in. I would go to open mic poetry events and be too petrified to take the stage. My body reflected my inner blockage as I literally “lost my voice”. Something was missing, I was missing…
This is when the good girl and I began to have beef. I didn’t know what to do. Do I go or do I stay? I kept looking for an outside authority to give me the answer. I went to my girlfriends who could only sympathize. I got Tarot readings, spiritual advice, psychic insights and talked to elders. Every counsel and oracle pointed the divination back to me.
This is when my Wild Goddess was born…I had to be my own authority.
My good girl had to die. After much meditation, I did what was right for me. I left my marriage.
This one decision awakened me to my power, and put me on a journey of self-discovery. I studied many spiritual traditions, unblocked my feminine and sexual energy, and transformed my life.
It then became my mission, to help other women who were in a similar place to me change their lives. This is why I created my Goddess in the Wild Program. I have put into this 9-month program everything I’ve discovered on my path! It is full of ancient wisdom, goddess spirituality, sacred sexuality and original processes I created to make the transformation hands on.
It even includes a mandatory trip to paradise in Puerto Rico to ritualize to the Goddess under the Full Moon!
I am currently seeking a select group of women to work with me in this program. If you’re ready to awaken your wild goddess and would like to learn more, sign-up for a FREE WILD Goddess session here: http://www.meetme.so/GoddessInTheWild
In the WILD Goddess session we will uncover:
-blockages preventing you from living a life you love
-how to uncover your purpose and passion
-how to unleash your inner WILD goddess!
The program begins June 22nd and I only do it once a year, don’t miss out! Let’s talk!
Your story is unbelievably similar to my own. It’s a daily struggle to freedom but your story gives me hope. Thank you!